A Transition into Womanhood

Essay from a friend based on the prompt:

"What is something about being a woman that you wish someone had explained to you earlier?"

"Coming into adulthood is already a difficult transition. But as women, especially black women, there’s the added stress of navigating how to be taken seriously while still being perceived as approachable in both social and professional settings. As you get older, you learn the stereotypes society has placed on specific groups of people. When you’re an adolescent, you are naive to a lot of hate in the world, as it should be. When you’re a kid, you are focused on fun, and you don’t know enough yet to fully understand prejudices, stereotypes or racism. But as you get older, society starts to show you how harmful these can be to a woman’s confidence, development and ability to truly find herself. 

Let me give you an example. I’ve been told I have a resting bitch face. If you didn’t know, that means my neutral facial expression unintentionally looks angry. Many times, I’ve been told by a man in passing “you should smile more, girl, you’re beautiful” and “why you look so mad?” I’ve noticed on multiple occasions, in male company, if I’m not smiling, it’s a problem for somebody. Why is that? Because as a woman, men expect you to smile, be happy/upbeat, polite and refrain from voicing any strong opposing opinions. Some men want you to look pretty, be seen and not heard. That’s what it’s like for a woman in society. As a natural response to this, some women start to overcompensate to be taken seriously. In order to be seen as an equal to their male peers and coworkers, some women develop a tough exterior, only to be described by those same male peers/coworkers as “bitchy.” Not to mention the hormones of it all. As soon as you enter womanhood, you’ll find that a man is quick to blame any mood alteration from happiness that you experience on your monthly period. “It must be that time of the month” is something I’ve heard from a man too many times to count. So what I’m saying is, as a woman, a lot of the time, society makes us feel more comfortable when we show up with a good attitude and smile. Now, for a black woman, there’s the added pressure of smiling because everyday you’re battling the stereotype that black women are “unapproachable,” “aggressive,” “mean,” or have an attitude that needs “fixing.” I often have to subconsciously remind myself to “fix my face” when I’m at work or when I go out with friends, so that those around me perceive me to be approachable. As a grown woman, it is exhausting to constantly have to monitor how your face naturally rests so that you can comfortably exist in society. But, unfortunately that is a burden that comes with black womanhood.

On the other hand, I’ve learned through experience that being “too nice” can be dangerous for a woman and result in real consequences. Being “too nice” gives men the opportunity to take advantage of you. If you show them too much kindness, it can be misinterpreted as romantic interest. This can lead to unwanted sexual advances, sexual harrassment and in worse cases, unwanted sexual contact/rape. This is true in both professional and social settings, just ask me how I know. It’s a fine line as a woman, being too nice to a man. Not to mention, if you’re a woman being “too nice” while dressed in tight, short or “revealing” clothing, some men (or boys rather) mistake your wardrobe as your consent to have sex. Let me emphasize to every woman reading this, your outfit does NOT give ANYONE permission to touch you. You hear the stories of a woman who was raped and the first thing someone will say is “well she was asking for it wearing a mini skirt.” It’s disgusting, but unfortunately it’s the way of the world. I used to get upset with my mother for being so strict about what I could and could not wear. But every year that I get older, I understand more that she was trying to protect me from the way of the world. 

Additionally, finding yourself as a black woman can be extremely difficult when navigating the person you want to be and the way you want to dress once you’re finally “grown.” Young black girls are often mislabelled as “fast-tailed” from an early age for many misguided reasons. First, for experiencing puberty early, resulting in a black girl getting curves and growing boobs before their peers. In the summertime, if a black girl wears a tank top or shorts to school because it’s hot, she risks being written up/dresscoded for being dressed inappropriately. Meanwhile, their white peers can wear shorts or a tank top to class with no repercussions. From a young age, black and brown girls experience their development being weaponized against them. 

Second, when society pictures a young black girl, they picture the baby with braids, colorful barrettes and beads. Whereas, when a black girl transitions into teenage years/young adulthood, they start to press their hair, straighten it, curl it and wear what is perceived by society as “more mature hairstyles.” These outside co-cultures do not understand the significant role that hairstyles and fashion play in black culture and coming of age. While young black and brown girls are adultified, young white and Asian girls are infantilized. And as black girls, finding ourselves from a young age is challenging mentally, when you see your peers of a different race being held to a different/lesser expectation by society. 

Because of this, when black girls finally become black women, we learn through harsh critiques and unrealistic societal expectations that your choice of clothing, hairstyle and career will heavily impact your treatment and acceptance by society. For example, wearing anything that is tight, short or low cut in the cleavage area can result in men thinking you're easy and other women calling you a slut. That’s not specific to black women, that’s women in general. For black women specifically though, wearing short, tight attire, twerking, or choosing a nontraditional career (Ex: Music, Entertainment, etc.) can result in society not taking you seriously. Society has shown that they will overlook your achievements and education if you do not exceed their expectations of what a black woman SHOULD be. This is not the same for our white peers. Let’s look at Megan Thee Stallion and Sydney Sweeney. Megan Thee Stallion is a world renowned female rapper. She has won three Grammy Awards, six BET Awards, five BET Hip Hop Awards, and four MTV Video Music Awards. Megan Thee Stallion also graduated with a college degree in business and owns five different businesses, one of which being the Pete & Thomas Foundation. This is her non-profit organization dedicated to supporting underserved communities. She is educated and successful in many different areas, and uses her wealth to give back to those less fortunate. And still, because she is a black woman that chooses to wear tight, short clothes and twerks in her music videos, many people discredit her. Men specifically (including an alarming number of black men) speak down on her, and make light of her accomplishments both inside and outside of the music industry at any given opportunity. When people call Megan Thee Stallion beautiful, some have countered that she looks masculine- which is rooted in the ignorant beliefs that, one- rapping is an industry exclusive to men, two- that women cannot be pretty and tall at the same time, and three- dark skin black women look like men. Megan Thee Stallion is the perfect example of a confident, successful, black entrepreneur and because some of society does not approve of her image, they tear her down by attacking her looks and belittling her achievements. When Megan Thee Stallion was shot in the foot in 2020 by Tory Lanez (Daystar Peterson) many people did not believe her, despite the mountain of evidence against Tory. They chose to mock Megan Thee Stallion for being shot, so severely to the point that she passed on an opportunity to have her own video game character made because she was afraid people would shoot her character in the foot on purpose. This was confirmed by the thousands of people (primarily men) on Instagram commenting that if she had a video game character, they would shoot at her foot first with laughing emoticons. Megan Thee Stallion is not society’s idea of a perfect victim, because she does not fit society’s mold of what a black woman should be and therefore she has experienced relentless hate in a time that she was a victim of gun violence. This would never happen to a white woman who had been shot.

Now, onto Sydney Sweeney. Sydney Sweeney has made her living taking on oversexualized roles that are catered to a male audience. For example, her breakout character Cassie Howard in Euphoria who was a hyper-sexual Only Fans creator and her newly released sports advertisement where her outfit was two footballs. Sydney Sweeney’s other acting jobs have included selling her own bath water and doing an arguably racist American Eagle jeans advertisement emphasizing the genetic superiority of Aryan like people. While she has two notable awards for her career achievements, she has accomplished far less than her peers but receives just as much attention. Sydney Sweeney also does not have a college degree and one of her only forms of charity was donating the proceeds from her arguably racist American Eagle ad to a mental health nonprofit. A very controversial act of charity, to say the least. Despite relevant backlash for her acting roles, Sydney Sweeney remains unscathed and notably employed because that’s the way of the world for a white woman.

I say all of these things because I truly wish someone had sat me down to tell me what to expect when I transitioned into womanhood. The playing field feels different for a black woman. There are certain nuances of being a black woman that I had to learn from experience. I would have liked to prepare for the realities of the world to better navigate how to proudly express myself and share my culture on top of adapting to the challenges of adulthood. I hope this essay helps better prepare a young girl out there for womanhood."